Why We Carry What Isn’t Ours—And How to Put It Down

Introduction:

Carrying what isn’t ours can feel noble, selfless, or even necessary—until it doesn’t. Until it feels like exhaustion. Stuckness. A fog you didn’t even realize you were living in.

Sometimes, especially as healers, guides, parents, space-holders, or even just caring humans, we unconsciously pick up burdens, emotions, or responsibilities that aren’t ours to carry.

It’s rarely intentional. It happens quietly, subtly:

• In listening deeply to someone’s pain.

• In wanting to make things easier for someone we care about.

• In confusing holding space with holding their stuff.

And before we know it, we’re stuck. Heavy. Foggy. Over invested.

Here’s the irony: when we carry what isn’t ours, we block healing for everyone.

This blog is about understanding why we do it, recognizing the weight we’re holding, and learning to put it down—for everyone’s sake.

Why Do We Pick Up What Isn’t Ours?

We pick up others’ struggles for a lot of reasons, many of them rooted in unconscious patterns or conditioning:

1. We Think We’re Helping

• “If I hold some of their pain, it’ll make it easier for them.”

• Truth: Holding it for them doesn’t ease their load—it keeps them from growing stronger.

2. We Feel Responsible

• “It’s my job to fix this, to save them, to carry them through.”

• Truth: Healing is deeply personal work. No one can do it for someone else.

3. It’s an Old Pattern

• Maybe you grew up believing that love meant “taking care of everything.” Or that your worth was tied to how much you could do for others.

• Truth: Love doesn’t require you to be a mule for someone else’s burdens.

How Carrying What Isn’t Yours Keeps You Stuck (and Them Too)

When you carry what isn’t yours, here’s what happens:

1. You Get Stuck
The weight slows you down, clouds your clarity, and drains your energy. You’re holding something you’re not meant to hold.

2. They Get Stuck
Here’s the hard truth—when you take on someone else’s pain, responsibility, or healing, you interrupt their process.

• They don’t get to experience the lessons, insights, and strength that come from doing their own work.

• They miss the chance to meet their own struggle, learn from it, and rise through it.

Illustration:
Imagine trying to climb a mountain, but someone keeps pulling you up every time you stumble. Sure, you get to the top, but you’re not stronger for it. You’re not wiser for it. And you’re not prepared to climb the next one on your own.

By carrying their weight, you’re not helping them—you’re holding them back.

Why This Matters

True healing requires trust.

• Trust that they’re capable of doing their part.

• Trust that your role is to hold space, not hold their struggle.

When you put down what isn’t yours, you give them back their power, their responsibility, and their opportunity to heal.

How to Recognize the Weight You’re Holding

Here’s how you can tell you’ve been carrying something that’s not yours:

• You feel exhausted, heavy, or foggy after being around someone else’s pain or process.

• You’re emotionally tangled in their story—feeling their struggle as if it’s yours.

• You’re more invested in their healing or progress than they are.

Ask yourself:

• “Am I carrying this because I think I’m supposed to?”

• “Does this belong to me?”

How to Put It Down (Without Guilt)

Here’s the truth: putting it down doesn’t mean you don’t care. It means you trust.

1. Name It
Take a moment to reflect: What am I holding that isn’t mine?

• Example: “I’m holding their fear of failure. I’m holding their pain around loss.”

2. Remind Yourself of the Truth
Healing is their work to do, not yours. Your role is to hold space, not hold their weight.

3. Release It (Physically and Energetically)

• Visualization: Close your eyes. Imagine putting their burden—whatever you’re holding—down in front of you. Breathe into the lightness that follows.

• Affirmation: “I trust them to do their work. I release what isn’t mine.”

4. Realign with Your Purpose
Ask: “How can I hold space without holding the weight?”

• Example: Be present, compassionate, and clear—without stepping into the role of fixer or savior.

Conclusion

Carrying someone else’s weight doesn’t make you a better healer, partner, or friend. It doesn’t make you more loving or more worthy.

It keeps you stuck. It keeps them stuck.

Putting it down? That’s the most loving, healing thing you can do—for yourself and for them.

Here’s Your Invitation Today:

What are you carrying that isn’t yours?
What happens if you let it go?

Let it settle. Breathe into the lightness.