Tools For Dealing With Grief & Loss
Recently I shared what happened in my life last year around this time. It was traumatic and I don’t use that word frequently nor would I say that I’ve experienced a lot of trauma in my life. Some say it was tragic but I don’t see it that way. I can’t control what happens in my life. But what I make of it is entirely in my hands. It is my choice to find the path to grace through the trauma and to share that process. It is my wish that it helps someone else in some way.
After a string of deaths, I found myself in a vulnerable state, raw and depleted. It was clear to me that anyone could easily slip into a state of despair and depression or find themselves with PTSD. Fortunately, one of my teachers was instrumental in providing substantial support, understanding, and compassion I needed as well as the energetic clearing and revitalizing. Truth be told, I did feel let down by some people I considered to be very close friends. I know now that they were not capable of providing what I needed and that their behavior is simply a reflection of who they are. I accept that and say to them “peace be with you”. I have no hard feelings. I cannot expect them to be someone they are not.
In addition to that crucial connection, I had some beautiful souls show up at exactly the right time and provide exactly what I needed. So I say to you to allow people to be who they are. They may not be able to show up for you in a crisis due to their own triggers and unhealed or processed experiences. Give them the compassion you want from them! Their choice or story of why they couldn’t be there for you has nothing to do with you. It all about their agreements in their reality. Just accept it and move on. Be open to receiving from unexpected sources. You will not be disappointed. They are there and they will show up when you need it the most if you hold open the space for it.
Another thing I have relied on is my strong faith in the highest possible outcome for my life whatever that might be. The day after Marks’ passing, I walked down into my studio space and got down on my knees in front of one of my altars with many of my sacred things. I looked at my mother’s picture there and closed my eyes and prayed, “God/Goddess, I’m surrendering this to you. I have no idea how to get through this so I’m going to lay it at your feet.” As I got up I heard that the life Mark and I had planned was not my destiny this life. This is not something I made up in my head. My brain just wasn’t functioning like that at that time. I let that sink in as best I could. I walked, at a snail's pace, around the block. I knew I needed to move my body in order to help this experience continue to move. I still felt like I was in a bad movie and my brain just felt like mush. But I felt better after that walk. It helped move some of the heaviness. Moving your body even in the smallest ways is truly helpful. Grief and loss are heavy. That heaviness can easily settle in the body. Even if it’s super slow, a walk will help.
The next day I was able to get on the yoga mat which helped me so much. Yoga has saved my life so many times! It has provided me with some important skills and understandings that have made a big difference for me. I kept my movements simple and easy. I paid close attention to my breath. The entire right side of my body was aching. The right side is often associated with masculine energy so that made sense to me. I allowed myself to feel the pain and grief in my body. And I consciously connected with the earth beneath me and invited it to be released for healing and transformation.
My nervous system felt fried. Simple belly breathing helped calmed my nervous system and the mind. Mind was in a dull place of disbelief not wanting to acknowledge what had happened. A practice called Deerga Swasom or 3 part breath helped to clear the fog and oxygenate the blood to bring my energy into the body.
Sleep was next to impossible so I used a practice called yoga nidra or yogic sleep to help calm my system and provide rest and rejuvenation. It’s different from regular sleep in a few important ways and it’s very helpful in processing physical and mental/emotional stress. As I stayed fully present but quiet and still, I surrendered my need to be other than I was, I relaxed and allowed the Earth to support me and my process. There were times I could feel energy being released into the Earth to be recycled. My brain fog and alertness was always improved baby this simple practice.
When I was able, I wrote about my experience and I continued to see clients who understood what had happened and were open to being a part of my process. Death and loss will touch us all eventually. A skilled facilitator can support you with how to consciously respond to the real physical, mental/emotional, energetic and spiritual aspects of grief and loss. This experience has equipped me well to be that facilitator for someone else. It taught me things in a way nothing else could or would. Death, grief, loss, and sadness are heavy and can immobilize you. And facing our mortality prepares us for the reality that is our own impending death. Please reach out if I can assist you.