Living a Profound Life

Happy almost new year! While there are many that just want 2020 to be over, I’ve also heard countless stories of profound growth, expansion, compassion, clarity and healing. Most of us heard about the great conjunction between Jupiter and Saturn and may have seen it in the nighttime sky! It is truly a spectacular thing to see and it marks the beginning of a new 20 year cycle and a new age! What a fantastic time to be alive! This is a very profound and significant time for all humans and the planet we all share.

It’s been a big year for me just like many of you.  But in the aftermath of the most traumatic experience I’ve ever had just three months ago, I have more crystal clear understanding and vision about my life than ever before. How can that be? What part did the trauma play in the clarity as they seem to be intimately connected? Where is my opportunity to continue with the spiritual breakthroughs that have literally been happening all year?

I’m a keen observer of people, patterns and cycles. It’s a big part of what makes me a good teacher and therapist. I’m watching when you don’t know I’m watching and I’m always listening to what is being said both out loud and in all other ways. Our bodies, habits, lifestyle, beliefs, and choices share an enormous amount of information about us. I’m also very connected to the unseen realm and my intuition, and a good energy reader. Information from the unseen realm is especially important because it’s coming from a source we can’t identify by how it looks or what it’s image is or what it represents to other people. I’m good at picking up on the unspoken and getting to the bottom of things no one else can figure out.

So here we are at both an ending and a beginning! Isn’t it cool to have both? It’s a 2 for 1 that is a chance to take a quantum leap in understanding your existence. I heard one astrologer say it was like a freight train coming into the station nice and slow and then needing to be unloaded. So don’t think 2021 is going to be vastly different than 2020 at least not for a while. It’s going to take a while to unpack that train which represents the things we need to take a cold hard look at that have been packed away by us and by our societies, governments, institutions, health care systems, schools and more. We are the most evolved beings to walk the face of the earth. We have never had so many comforts. Yet we are also the most unhealthy on many different levels and our healthcare system is not founded on health but on treating disease. Think about it. If it were founded on being healthy then keeping us well would be the focus. It’s really that simple. But I digress as usual. 

December 21, the winter solstice, ushers in the new age Age of Aquarius, the age of collaboration and cooperation, of the bigger picture! That would be nice for a change wouldn’t it? Long ago we were led to believe that nature sets an example of the survival of the fittest and while that might be true in some cases or in some areas of existence, the new science says that nature is based on collaboration and cooperation. I mean would you prefer an existence where you had to constantly look out for number one and maintain your “fitness” at all costs or one where everyone helped everyone else out for the greater good of all? It’s not a trick question! Think ant colony or any group of animals: a pride, a herd, a flock. Shouldn’t everyone have what they need to live a simple, helpful, conscious life? As we leave a cycle of power over and domination and learn to honor and respect the earth, there are going to be many new energies and opportunities to navigate for us all. Many people do not like change and will resist it with all their might especially if it involves them losing some of their power or money. So feed the good, empower the heart to be compassionate and loving in face of fear and resistance. Allow people to be who they are. You don’t have to agree with them or change their mind. It’s ok for them to think for themselves, something different from what you think. They are not saying you are wrong. They are not judging your perspective. They are just allowing themselves to have their own, unique perception of reality. You want to be allowed to have the same thing. Focus on the sameness. 

Think about these questions right now.

Who were you 20 years ago? What was important to you? What did you value? How did you spend your time? What was going on at that time? Did anything significant happen? Let’s pause here.

Take a few deep breaths and remember. How old were you 20 years ago? Where did you live? With whom? How did you spend your time? What are the first things that come to mind? I’m sure you are remembering an interesting time in your life just like I did! Take time for quiet reflection on each one of these questions. I’ll share them again at the end of the blog. Hold the intention that it will reveal valuable information in better knowing yourself. I’ll give them to you again at the end of the blog so you can sit with each one. 

20 years ago in my life, I was a newly trained yoga and meditation teacher. The truth is the choice to become a teacher saved my life in so many ways. I know that sounds dramatic or like an overstatement but it’s true. I had begun asana or postures practice a few years prior to becoming a teacher and had an instant recognition that yoga was to be my new challenge. My life was stagnant and predictable and I was not honoring my sensitivities or interests. So the decision to become a teacher initiated radical lifestyle changes that I absolutely knew I needed. I’m an all or nothing kind of person to begin with so when I’m in, I’m in. But the thorough transformation of who I was that I was about to begin was not understood by me as I drove into very rural Virginia to an ashram to spend a month. I knew something had to change in my life. And being in the middle of nowhere, away from everything I knew was just what was needed to blast me out of the complacent, vacant, bored, purposeless life I was living. I look at pictures of myself prior to this decision and think who the hell is that?? I seriously have great difficulty connecting with myself at that time. I do not know her. Because she did not know herself. No one ever suggested to me that I needed to understand myself better. What a simple, but essential and profound suggestion that is. And far too many are in the exact same boat I was in. They have no idea who they really are or how to find out. Yoga has a map. It’s not hard to follow. It requires discipline, god forbid, and consistent attention. And thank Goddess I found it!  My life lacked the kind of deeper meaning and purpose my soul longed for. Besides my role of being a mother which of course kept me plenty busy and gave me some important teachers in my life in my two sons, I was not expressing myself in anything meaningful to me.  I had no concept of yoga as a path to enlightenment. I just knew I was in need of change and direction.

The physical part of yoga was relatively easy for me.  I have always been physically active, lifting weights, walking, and working out in the gym 3 or 4 times a week so I was strong and lean. And knew how to express myself physically. So classes were interesting and fun and because I was strong, I advanced quickly in terms of what I could do. But there was much I couldn't do and of course, I wanted to do it all so I diligently practiced. 

At that time, I was still caught up in the web of alcohol and needing it to have fun. I was programmed like many others to think that having fun meant drinking or doing drugs or both. People were suspicious of you if you didn’t drink and did their best to set you up with something. And as hard as I tried, I could not drink beer like everyone else. To me it was the most vile tasting substance around.  And my dad actually worked for Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer! But this was before it was cool. Then it was just redneck beer. It wasn’t until my yoga training that I discovered it was possible to have fun without alcohol! This was a big awakening for me just as it would be for many others.

Becoming a yoga teacher initiated a much more direct and honest look at virtually every aspect of my life.  I called the ashram a few weeks before I was to leave for one month and asked if they could recommend any books to prepare me. The response surprised me. It was a book called To Know Thyself. I was obsessed with the asana or physical part of yoga so I got another book called Moving into Stillness by Erich Schiffmann instead. Both are great books by the way. But the first one very simply laid out a path to do just what the title said. And I realized I hardly knew myself at all on any really deep level. 

My father in law gifted me with the 200 hour training and I will be eternally grateful to him for that and many other things. But it meant I had to be gone for a month and I had two young boys at home 5 and 7 years old. Being gone for a month meant a lot of work for other people so I did have some guilt about that and I found out when I got there and got really quiet and still that I felt guilt about other things as well. That one month changed my life forever and was one of the greatest gifts I've ever been given. The deep soul searching look at my life was profound and allowed me to take ownership of my life in a way I never had. For the first time, I knew what I wanted to do and I knew I could and would be very good at it. It felt quite natural and even easy. 

It can be difficult to truthfully look at who we've been but without it, we may not know who we want to be. I sat with what I considered to be my mistakes, some of them big mistakes. I remember writing three letters, taking responsibility for what I considered to be mistakes, bad behavior or choices.I apologized and asked for another chance to do better. I know now that it has taken everything I’ve done and been through for me to be where I am today, that I set it up that way. I began to heal and understand how to live more consciously, how to be more aware of what was going on around me and how I was creating all of it. I also embarked on a serious journey to detox and clear my body and mind. 

And to this day, I still haven't found the cap on feeling good! Isn’t that awesome? And I'm not special, anyone can have the experiences I’m having if they are willing to do the work to get there. I was/am an intense person. So I really don’t know how to do things halfway. It’s all or nothing for me. Obviously this can be good and bad and certainly some saw me as extreme in my practices but I knew what I had been doing up to that point and a part of me felt the need to sacrifice and even be punished for my sins if you will. I never truly resonated with the idea that I was born a sinner and I still don’t but it seems that idea had lodged itself inside me somewhere. And I also had an impulsive streak and an issue with authority. I had distanced myself from religion and didn’t use what I called the g word or God. I quickly achieved what Rod Stryker called an “exquisite practice”. My attention to detail and knowledge of my body that I’d had my whole life allowed me to make it look easy and I hoped, served as an inspiration to my students of which I had many. I was quickly teaching 20+ classes a week at various studios and health clubs around town. I realized I was really good at teaching and also that things came out of my mouth and I wasn’t sure where they came from and they were profound and on point all the time. I learned to be in the zone as I called it then and allow the words freedom of expression. I had many devoted students and for the first time in my life, absolutely loved what I was doing!

Let’s go back to the questions I asked myself to support this process of finding the opportunities in completing this 20 year cycle.

Who were you 20 years ago? What was important to you? What did you value? How did you spend your time? How have you grown? Did anything significant happen?

Get quiet and still and ask. Reflect. Allow. I’m sure you will find much that is insightful.  

If you struggle with astrology being significant, remember the fact that the planets were in certain positions at the time of your birth and also remember the role of the sun and moon in our existence. We are going to die without the sun and the moon is affecting the water on the planet so that other planets in our solar system can impact our experience really isn’t that far fetched.

So yesterday I was sharing that 20 years ago is about the time I began to teach yoga and meditstion full time and also embark on a purposeful, structured and conscious spiritual journey of a lifetime that continues to this very day.

Yoga and meditation invite us to take a cold, hard look at ourselves and who we are. For me, it felt more like a mandate to look and I took it quite seriously. I was used to being hard on myself and never allowing myself to measure up to the over the top standards I set for myself and others so true to form, I was very hard on myself and even unforgiving. I put myself through rigorous fasting and detox practices for 5 years as both penance and to clean my temple I had polluted for many years. Every week, without fail, over a 5 year period, I fasted for a minimum of 36 hours. Most of the time it was 54 hours because 36 became super easy and I enjoyed challenging myself and being intense was all I really knew. I’ll share more about that experience in another show. As I cleansed my body and mind my energy soared. My asana practice was a beautiful thing to behold as my body cleared our excesses it had been collecting for years. There were some very real benefits from my detox practices no doubt and I’m grateful to have had that experience. I learned to fast at the ashram where it is done weekly by some people. But the harshness and austerity I intended to put myself through that was also a part of it, was not yoga at all. It was a reflection of what I thought I deserved. And my sadness with my life and some of the choices I had made. It has taken many years for me to soften and create a more loving compassionate relationship with myself and to know that I deserve to be loved, honored and respected, and to love, honor, and respect myself more. I also know that it has taken everything that has happened up to this point for me to be where I am  here talking to you so I acknowledge my soul’s wisdom in what it planned for me. I am closer to being free and whole than I have ever been so I know I’m moving in the right direction. And anyone can make the same choices I made..

I very quickly became a well known teacher in my community. I taught and was part of the teacher training program at the premier yoga studio in the area at that time. My classes were full and I was asked to run the yoga program at a local health club. I seemed to be able to manifest classes with very little effort until I was teaching 26 classes weekly and loving every minute of it. I wasn’t afraid to talk about things other teachers didn’t mention and I definitely got a little too big for my britches as they say. After 5 or 6 years, I left the yoga studio mostly because I felt micromanaged and told I was too much. I didn’t feel I could truly grow if I had to follow the owner's ideas about yoga and how to teach it and live it.  And I was very impulsive and made my decision without thinking it through thoroughly. Shortly after that, the health clubs went belly up and I was scrambling to figure out how to make a living. I was now a single mom with two young boys and no monetary support from my ex-husband. 

Lemme backtrack a minute because i havent talked about my 25 year relationship with my ex-husband that ended  shortly after my yoga certification. 

I shared yesterday that I knew things had to change when I decided to become a yoga teacher. And one of the primary areas that was crying for change was my marriage. I craved intimacy, depth, and touch and was not fulfilled with that aspect of our relationship. I thought I needed more attention than I got so I found ways to get attention that really didn’t serve me. And teacher training drastically changed me. Once I started to purify my body, I was no longer interested in polluting myself every weekend which was our normal pattern. I’m sure that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. We grew more and more apart. I arranged a counseling session with a therapist I knew from the yoga community but was ultimately unhappy with that experience. Days before our 20 year wedding anniversary, my husband told me he didn’t want to be married any more. He said it had to end so we could still be friends. I really didn’t understand what that meant but I had more or less been expecting this to happen and in reality had held space for it to happen just as it did. We had not been truly happy for a number of years but we didn't have the finances to separate. I believed that once his father passed, the money would be there for him to leave me and that’s exactly what happened. We do not realize how powerful the mind is. Certainly that was not what I wanted to happen but I had resigned myself to it and so it could be no other way. I remember going to the yoga studio the night he told me and just sitting in there in the dark wondering how I was going to do this. I decided that yoga was now my family and my support. And to this day it has been. It has always been there for me, patiently waiting for me to get quiet and still and get right with myself and the universe. Over and over again it has saved my life. But there have been countless lessons, some of which were not pleasant at all. I always reminded myself after a particularly unpleasant lesson that Swami Satchidananda said that we learn far more from pain than from pleasure. Man was I learning a lot. 

Back to my impulsive decision to leave the yoga studio. That put me in a tight spot in terms of the means to support my very moderate lifestyle. I buttoned down all unnecessary spending and showed the universe I would do whatever it took to support myself and my family. I called on the Goddess Lakshmi a lot during that time. She is the Goddess of wealth, beauty, abundance and prosperity. One of my teachers taught a chant called the Sri Suktam from one of the oldest texts on the planet called the Rig Veda. I like sanskrit chanting and think it's a beautiful way to raise your vibration. Sanskrit is a vibrational language and I like the devotional aspect of singing to the light or source or goddess or whatever word you would like to insert here. I had a mentor at the time who was very good at chanting so I copied what she did to learn. It's a very melodic chant where you are asking Lakshmi to come and live with you. I have chanted it so much that I know it by heart! And it served me well. I have lots of ideas on abundance I’ll share in an upcoming show so please stay tuned. 

Slowly but surely, my finances stabilized. I made a point to align myself with what I wanted and focused on what I had rather than what I didn’t have. This is a key practice. We must understand that whatever we focus on expands. So I focused on all the ways I felt abundant that had nothing to do with money. I know many people may be experiencing a change in their finances. And the practice I just shared of focussing on what you have and wanting what you have is a good place to start. 

20 years ago, I made a decision that I am thankful for every day of my life that has served me in countless ways. Anyone can make a choice like that! I decided to more or less reinvent myself and my life. It has been a beautiful, hard, rewarding, compelling, challenging, disruptive, exhilarating, incredibly expansive journey so far. And I choose to continue to know myself better and tap into the infinite potential my soul has for evolution and growth. I see this new cycle as a perfect opportunity to share what I have learned and am learning to support others in their personal journeys to more freedom, more love, more joy and more magic. 

Thanks for listening today. It is my intention to make a positive contribution to your day. Please join me tomorrow. Until then...