Grief and Loss

This was originally going to be my first blog post but life had plans for me that I could have never imagined. As I look back now, I see the synchronicity of it all. I see so many things differently.

I’ve always been able to read energies, people and situations. I’d make a great detective! I love getting to the bottom of things that have people stumped!  Part of that is helping people reframe stories that are keeping them in loops and holding patterns. I have a wide range of experience and knowledge that I’ve been using to support people for many years. I hope I can make a positive or helpful contribution in your day. 

I am no stranger to death. Based on the number of death experiences I’ve had in my life, I know this is an area I chose to learn about this lifetime. I’m also a double Scorpio which is the astrological sign most associated with death which further confirms my choice to be a student of death.

My first experience with death was when I was about 10 years old.  My uncle, my mother’s brother, died of cancer. I don’t really remember being too curious about it or much other than that. The second death really knocked the wind out of me. When I was 19 years old, a boy I had dated off and on was killed in an accident while he was away at college. Our moms were friends that were in the same Sunday school class together. We always seemed to see each other on Christmas Eve at a church pageant.  He had taken me to my senior prom and I remember he was so excited to get all decked out! He wore a white tux with a burgundy bow tie and had a huge blond afro! That was the last time I saw him. I remember it being so hard to even wrap my head around the news. And I was super nervous about seeing his family. I think that was one of the hardest parts for me. They were in so much pain. He was the youngest of four children and his mom stayed in contact with me for a long time. I remember wondering why God would let something like this happen. My belief system limited my understanding beyond that kind of thinking for quite some time.

My first year of college, a year later, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She survived for 6 more years, which was long enough to watch me get married, but the last part of her life, if you can call it that, was pretty brutal to watch. My dad took care of her and it took such a toll on him. But I guess that’s how they wanted it. They had just decided to call in Hospice when she passed. I literally just realized as I was writing this, that I was planning my wedding while she was dying. Wow. I’m gonna need to let that sink in a minute. How could I have not realized that? She died 10 months after I got married on the same day the space shuttle crashed. That somehow seemed really appropriate for me. You’re never ready for death but watching her suffer, isolate and waste away was really hard to take and I wasn’t there nearly as much as I had been since I had just gotten married and moved to another state. I was busy setting up my new life and not home that much. But when I was there, I struggled to find something to talk about. Everything seemed so trivial in light of what she was going through. And she was so sad. 

A year and a half later, my dad died unexpectedly. He had just married a really nice lady he went to highschool with just two weeks prior to his death. We knew he had a heart condition but I certainly didn't understand that it was as serious as it clearly was. My dad and his new wife had visited my then husband and I on their honeymoon. He was happy again. Then poof, he was gone. Much like Mark and I. My dad’s death just seemed so unfair to me. I felt like life had really dealt me a raw deal. How could both of my parents be gone? There were no satisfactory answers to my questions about why or how this could happen. A part of me got angry at God and distanced myself from the church and my faith. I felt cheated that my kids wouldn’t have their grandparents and that I would no longer have their support and advice. 

More  recently, a young man who grew up with my sons and lived across the street from us, was murdered. This literally happened right around the corner from where I live. He had actually been living with me and my son just a few months prior. It was one of the saddest experiences you can imagine. By this time I was a very experienced energy worker so I mostly sat and held space for all the kids who were there and for his brothers.  I focused on keeping the energy moving and supporting kids that were really struggling with the experience. I helped his mom process her experience by listening to all the details, details I didn’t want to know but knew I could help her to process by listening. Sometimes that’s the best thing you do for someone. Just listen to them. Talking helps a lot of people process things so don’t think you’re not doing anything if you just quietly listen while someone else talks about their experience. 

Another one of my son’s friends who spent many nights at my house was killed by a drug overdose and two others in car accidents. Of course there are several other deaths scattered around but these are some of the most significant ones. Maybe I’m wrong but this seems like a lot to me. Why do some people have so many death experiences while others seem relatively untouched by death for a good part of their life? It’s a good question and I think, for me, there was and is a greater purpose in all those experiences. One of my habits is to constantly look for the opportunity in all situations especially the hard ones. When you’re in the thick of it, you may not be able to open up to that process but when you can, it will be worth your time to reflect on what has happened with the intention of finding an opportunity for yourself or someone else.

Death is an experience, even an event, that is often shared with family and people you know and people you don't know.  What is a very private event, at least in my mind, is also very public. The family is front and center to receive the people who come to do a very noble thing and pay their respects to the person or family. Visitations are really hard for everyone but especially for introverts like me. Let’s face it, no one knows what to say or do but everyone wants to do something. At a time when nothing can be done, people want to do something! It’s fascinating. In the south, the first thing we do is take food! When my parents died, there was more food at their house than you can imagine. After Mark's death, when people asked me what they could do, I told everyone, with only a couple of exceptions, the same thing. I said pray for us. It’s ok not to know what to say and even to let your presence say all that needs to be said. So don’t worry about what to say or do. After the services is when it gets real and you have to face your loss so reach out 2 weeks later and just say I’m thinking about you or whatever you want to say! 

I, personally, don't care to look at dead bodies. And I don't think I’m the only one. I think I should have the option of not having to view the body. And I think that is considered in some situations but certainly not in all of them. I do not want my last memories of someone to be their dead body. It sticks with you and I’m careful about exposing myself to things that are disturbing on some level. So it’s ok if you don’t look at the body. There is no rule that you have to. Choose what feels right to you. I know some people feel that it is helpful in making it “real” but I don’t need that to make it real for me. 

You get to choose how you want to grieve, how you want to remember or honor someone, and how and when you want to say goodbye if that’s important to you. Your way doesn’t have to be like anyone else’s. There are many ways to grieve and to honor and celebrate someone’s life. You don’t have to be in any stage. It can be an open process that just is. It’s ok to be creative and think outside the box. It helps to know what makes you feel peaceful and loved so that you can make sure that you get it. Death makes people uncomfortable and they may not choose to or simply not be able to show up for you in the ways you want or need. Don't take it personally. It truly has nothing to do with you. Try not to totally isolate yourself. Private time is different from isolation and for me, much needed. Either the mountains or the water always soothes me and helps clear the heaviness of the experience. Death can literally feel very heavy and exhaust you. Give yourself permission to cry in public. That doesn’t make you a victim or weak. It’s very cleansing and natural if you feel sad to cry. Because people do want to help, talk to people who love you. If you just need them to listen, say that. 

Move your body. We don’t realize just how much our body holds of our undigested experiences and emotions. A walk, a bike ride or some easy stretching can help a lot. Quiet time alone, time to just be present with yourself, you could call that meditation on some level, can help ANY TIME and honestly is a skill many of us don’t have and would benefit enormously from. I’ll talk more about meditation, not just as a practice, but as a skill in another post. So please check in.