Heart Healing

If you’ve been following my blog you know some of the details of my boyfriend's sudden death in September 2020. It was a shocking experience to say the least being that it took place in my bed in my bedroom. Yeah. But before I get into that, for those of you who don’t know me, let me start by sharing a little bit about myself. 

I am a very devoted student of life and myself. Yoga has provided me with an unending opportunity to know myself better and make corrections and adjustments where they are needed. It has given me a second life inside the other life when I was someone else it seems to me now as I look back. I am also a very devoted student of energy. Everything is energy which is finally a recognised fact by scientists  but the yogis have been saying this for thousands of years. Choosing to be a devoted student of energy is a fantastic, dynamic, fascinating choice that allows you to interact with the environment and anything in it in a more conscious way. Energy is a big topic and we will definitely talk about it more. Crystals and stones are a form of energy I have a lot of experience with and I love to share it with other rock hounds! Food is another form of energy that I like to explore. Ayurveda is a sensible, practical system that connects us with the elements that make us up in ways we may have never considered. You are the food you eat and in today’s world there are a wide range of views about how best to nourish yourself. Ayurveda has stood the test of time and for me that means it’s worth a look.  Now back to today’s show.

So I was talking about Mark’s death. As the authorities showed up and it was clear a man had died in my bed, many questions began to be asked of me. Of course the first one was about Mark’s general health. For the 15 years I had known Mark, I had never known him to go to a doctor. In fact, I knew him to avoid doctors much like myself. In the last 20 years, I’ve taken only one round of antibiotics. I know that might be hard to believe but it's 100% true. I take full responsibility for keeping myself well, I know that’s my job. I had never known Mark to take any prescription medication. He believed it was important to learn something new every day so he spent hours almost every day researching a wide range of topics including health and natural living and had many home remedies. He was addicted to information and was one of the most capable people I’ve ever met. There was very little he couldn’t do if he wanted to.  On our first date, when I told him I was a vegetarian and he said I think I want to be a vegetarian and that was that! I used to tease him because he put hot sauce on everything. I’m talking about really hot hot sauce. We grew ghost peppers in our garden this year and I know he was planning on experimenting with some sauce but never got the chance. Anyway, he had literally been on a ladder painting the exterior of my house the day he passed. So there were no restrictions that I was aware of in terms of what he was able to do. I talked until I was blue in the face about the fact that I almost never saw him drink any water. Beer yes, water no. But he was not one to be pushed in any way. The only thing I could think to share with the coroner was about a year and a half ago he was down and out due to pain in his leg and back that went undiagnosed or truly explained except by him to himself and whatever remedies he found online that made a difference. He had been in a horrible motorcycle accident in his late teens or early twenties and had badly broken his leg. A rod was placed in his leg but his mother wasn't happy with how it was healing and had them remove it. It finally began to heal at that point. And that is also the same time Mark got introduced to scientology. His leg still looked really bad to me but he said he didn’t really bother him. I would work with it energetically from time to time but I took my lead from him. He was an electrician so he was up and down on ladders and such when he was working. He was an independent contractor and very picky about his work. And he had the good fortune of living rent free with an extremely low overhead so if he didn’t want to work, he didn’t. There were definitely extended periods of too much sitting around on the computer feeding his intellect. He did live on a farm and had certain daily duties there but he kept an erratic schedule and lived in extreme conditions of his own choosing. Nonetheless, he seemed to be healthy for the most part except some excessive belching that had showed up recently on a couple of walks we were on. 

The coroner explained to me that she could not be sure what the cause of death was unless an autopsy was performed. And honestly, we all wanted to know what had happened. So we waited an excruciating three days to get the results. Mark had a 99% blockage in one of his main arteries. Coronary artery disease, the most common type of heart disease in the US, with more than 3 million cases per year. And it does require a medical diagnosis because there can be no symptoms, to chest pain to a heart attack. There is no cure. Treatment includes lifestyle changes, medications and surgery. I’m told many people live a relatively normal life for many years with CAD. 

Mark did have a history of heart disease in his family that I knew nothing about. Mark didn’t talk about himself too much so there was a lot I didn’t know. His older brother had angioplasty and his dad also had heart surgery but lived into his 90’s. A 99% blockage. It's bizarre to me that you would not know something was wrong with that kind of condition. I had a session with a medium a few days after marks’ death to talk to him through her. I was still too out of it to make sense of or trust what I was hearing and I could feel him around me. I had some questions and was hoping some answers would bring me some peace. When I asked him about symptoms he said he had had a few but had brushed them under the rug. There were some powerful things shared in that call and another I had about 10 days later with the same medium from Sedona Arizona. I’ll share more about those calls in another blog so please stay tuned.

When I talked to Mark’s brother’s wife, she told me how her husband had scared her so bad that she took him to the doctor and found out he had the exact same thing. Thankfully  he’s been ok since then. I never knew any of this. My dad also had a heart condition and when I was in the third grade ,he and my mom went to London so he could have open heart surgery. The kind of valve replacement he needed was not being done in the states at that time. They were gone for about 3 months. It was a weird time. My grandmother came to stay with us. There were 4 of us and my brother was a handful on his own. I remember her swatting him with her pocketbook and telling us she would do the same to us if she needed to. We all still laugh about that story.

When I started just sitting with this disease that had taken Mark and what it represented, this lack of ease that he had around his heart a lot of things started to look very different to me. I knew from the little he had told me about his 4, yes you heard me right, previous marriages that each had some kind of heartbreak in it. Scorpio is very sensitive but we will do our best to never let you know it and he was a scorpio too. He had 3 boys with his first wife and I finally learned why they split from one of his sons. Loyalty was extremely important to him and she didn't support him in his desire to be involved at the core level of what was going on in the scientology world at that time which meant that the family needed to move from Canada to Florida. L. Ron Hubbard was still alive and Mark eventually became part of the SEA organization. I’m not going to talk about all that right now but clearly, this was very important to him if he left his wife and 3 sons for it. She remarried and it sounds like has had a very nice life. His second wife cheated on him and crushed him. I think he was considered quite the playboy with his exotic, dark good looks on top of his charm, sex appeal, and his dimples. Then the next wife was a mistake from the word go. I’ve never seen such unhappy wedding pictures in my life. It only lasted a few days. The last one ended due to health conditions that deteriorated their intimacy. So certainly he had not been what one would call lucky in love. Had all of this heartache actually caused him to shut down his heart energy or block it?

Ayurveda guru David Frawley says emotional causes should always be considered first in heart disease. With the heart being considered the seat of emotion, an accumulation of guilt, shame, resentment, hatred and hostility  results in closing off or constricting the energy flow to the heart. It is possible that spiritual well being is an important factor in the development of CAD or heart disease in general. There are some studies that show a link.  I made a point to be open minded and I was intrigued by scientology and set out to find out what I could. If I ever asked Mark to explain something to me he never would. He always went and got a book for me to read the answer in. This was not what I was looking for so I stopped asking. I wanted to find things we had in common so I explored scientology looking for things we could agree on. I found a good amount I could be in agreement with but I always thought as I looked into it, that it seemed they had tried to cut the heart and emotions out of the picture. I even said that to mark. More than once. I had experienced a wide open heart when we first met. It was a big love energy and I was ready for big passionate, intense love. And I got it. But then life happened. Things got messy as they say. All those details don’t really matter now. The night he died, I put my hand on his heart after he collapsed. I felt energy clear and disperse. We had had so much healing that night. Heart healing. Both of us. And I’m grateful for that beyond words. Maybe his heart could finally rest. It had gotten what it wanted. I had given him all of me, said everything anyone would ever want to hear from their beloved, completely accepted him. Maybe his heart couldn't take all the love I was heaping on it but I was ready to have that big love again. And I wasn’t going to let anything stand in my way. As far as I was concerned we had made it this far and we were going to have it all. But there were other plans and agreements I didn’t know about and he was gone in the blink of an eye. And my heart literally hurt after. For the first time in my life. So I get it. I’ve been taking good care of it since and I hope anyone listening takes this to heart. Pun intended. Get current with your emotions. There are many great facilitators out there. I’d love to talk with you if that feels right to you. Get in touch with your heart. Feel your feelings without identifying with them and find the grace. It’s always there when you look deep enough and with enough sincerity and humility.