Death and Liberation

My long time boyfriend, Mark, died unexpectedly in September 2020. This is not my first blog about it. Needless to say, it was a traumatic experience that truly rocked my world. I would definitely say it takes a lot to rock my world and I guess I needed to be reminded on some level that it was possible. Mark has been on my mind a lot the last week. I was going to say I’m not sure why but I know why. I’ve been processing the way I chose to communicate with him for one thing. It wasn’t very pretty sometimes and I spoke to him in ways I have never spoken to anyone else. They are not my proudest moments for sure. I know most of us have had those times when we say what’s on our mind without concern for how it is received by the other person. At one time I would default to being a truth teller but again, it’s been my experience too much of the time, that that’s an excuse to do exactly what I did which was to say whatever I wanted without concern for anything or anyone else. I’ve seen far too many use this idea that they are a “truth teller” as an excuse to say whatever they want, however, they want, whenever they want. I did it myself. No more though. That is not aligned with what I know, what I want or who I am and it never was. But I was smack in the middle of a huge training session I set up for myself with this man to learn so many things. 

I’m still processing Mark’s belongings. Literally all this belongings were in one room of my house. Who else do you know who can say that? One room. And whatever is in his truck. I don’t believe in randomness in any way and not long after Mark’s death I came across some teachings about death from India. They have a very specific way of handling dead bodies and the belongings of the dead. It’s starkly different from what is traditionally done here in the states which is not a big surprise. One of the first things they do is tie the big toes of the deceased person together to tighten up muladhara chakra so the body can’t be reentered by the life force that just left that may have identified itself as that body. Mark and I had talked many times about the understanding we both had that we were not the body. From a session I had with a medium right after his death, he did try to reenter his body after he left but couldn’t. He said he panicked but then one of his ancestors showed up to encourage him to go with him.

Next, ideally within 90 minutes the body is cremated. Because of some incidences over the years that time frame has been extended to about 4 hours. Think about it. Within 4 hours, the body has been disposed of.

Next, they believe the ashes should be placed in several different bodies of water if possible. Sadhguru says “do not underestimate the dead.” The idea again is to distance yourself from the dead so both of you can be liberated from the cycles of the past and you can continue your life. I must say that at times I have been aware of a feeling of liberation with Mark’s death. It feels kind of weird to say that but I think it’s a healthy place to be. I’m not one who spends a lot of time in the past. I call the past wish I, would have, could have, should have. There’s an opportunity in whatever happened and I do my best to let go of the rest. Mark had an amazing ability to let things go. I was in awe of it for a long while. Entangled in that was an idea that he needed to process things as fast as possible and in his haste, he missed some important information and insights sometimes. 

It was such a fascinating relationship. We both agreed that as long as we were learning about ourselves, growing and having fun we would stick with it. What I learned about myself has been monumental and I definitely took the hard route many times but he held a firm line I needed him to hold with me.  I tried to break it off with him several times. But he never went away. And he had an uncanny ability of reaching out to me at a very opportune time. No matter what I said, he would always say let’s stay in communication. I still love you. I’m not interested in being with anyone but you. It will all work out. Don’t give up. It was the hardest thing I ever tried to do to walk away from him and the enormous love and connection we had for each other. Our physical connection was truly extraordinary and the strongest part of our relationship. I know there are some others out there who know what I mean. We fit together in a way I can't describe. What I became very present to this past 10 days is that my grief process is mostly physical. My body has been going through such a huge shift. My whole right side is undergoing a major realignment. My massage therapist, David Stowers, who is truly a master of his craft, has helped me in ways nothing else could. I’ve always been a big believer in body work and I’ll never forget the first massage I had with him. Not only did I feel great afterwards but the seamless flow of the experience was impressive and I felt truly cared for. I can hook you up if you need his number!  

But I also uncovered a sneaky imbalance that caught me off guard. I’ve got some work to do now to get things back where I want them to be but I see how I got here and again, I can easily associate this with grief and the ways I have not taken good care of myself since Mark’s death. That’s really not like me but here I am. When I’m further on the other side of it I’m sure you all will hear about it!! 

So I am doing my best to decide what to do with what’s left of Mark’s belongings. I am now the owner of an F250 that is currently sitting in my driveway. I am going to sell his truck but in order to do that I have to get rid of all the electrical equipment and odds and ends from the back and it needs two repairs. I’ve donated all of his clothes. In India, they burn your clothes! I just couldn’t do that with all the people out there in need right now. I have all his tools here which are actually great to have so I’m unsure about that. Those tools helped me a lot over the years. And of course, one thing is here to stay and that is his beloved dog, Putin. Yes, like Vladimir. The man who owned the property he lived on is Russian and I guess they thought it was funny. I call him Bhoopie so he’s not so serious. He is a very handsome golden retriever who thinks he’s a human. He loves and adores me and stays by my side if at all possible. He is by far one of the best behaved dogs I have ever known. He gives a lot of love and also wants a lot of attention. My son and he are big time friends and have a really sweet relationship that I’m grateful for for both of them.  We already have two dogs so now we have a threesome. It has taken a lot of patience and time to cultivate friendly relations between everyone. We have two males and a female and of course she rules the roost. We still have our moments but all in all, Putin is very happy, actually I would say he is more social and less scared then when he first came here. More than one of my friends have noticed and commented on it. Maybe he feels liberated too on some level. I know Mark is liberated and I want him to be totally free to continue whatever journey his soul has. He was a good man and I miss him. But I don’t focus on that. I focus on what I want which is joy and a pleasant life and time to explore my existence. I agreed to be here to work with those who need help integrating all the changes in energy and consciousness happening right now, those who are ready to explore and have different experiences. If that interests you and you wanna take the next step, please contact me.